"beyond the impossible"

"beyond the impossible"
blogged by my good buddy Samer Hariri

"6:30 am

I'm Running out of breath - and my Lungs feel closed and tight...

I don't know whats wrong with me these days, I'm just losing grip bit by bit, and it only seems to be getting worse. I am tired, worn out, and just about ready to give up that little bit of energy left inside of me...

Its been a while since I last felt alive - its been a while since everything around me seemed alive... I know this is not me, and I know what I have to do but something, somehow is not allowing me to carry on... No matter how hard I try, its never gonna let go... Every night I go to bed with a choke that haunts me all night long. I am feeling restless and unable to just be...

Deep inside of me it still lives, this little fragile hope I'm holding on to. It feels I'm holding onto nothing at times, and for some reason I can't let go of it. I believe in that little hope, and I can't let go of it because I believe in it... Its not a false hope, believe me its not...

Sometimes we are faced with situations where we lose control and come to a realization that the truth may sometimes hurt. But how do we know it's true if we're predicting it and not experiencing it? How do we know its real if we haven't lived it and seen it... we're supposed to try and be real, but I'm all alone - and you're not here- and that is real...

Sometimes I wish I wasn't born with that caring heart of mine - only then it would have been much easier... Right now though, I am not liking the person I was born to be... When a man's identity rules over how his life should be lived, thats when you realize that you're limited, caught, and perhaps surrounded by 4 walls with no way out.

But I've always found my way out - rather I've always made my way out... I am a child of this Universe, my boundaries are those of the Universe... Don't seal me in, for I live to be free - Don't seal me out, for I'll always be in doubt... Open your heart, and listen to what it has to say... If you feared the future today, you're limiting what your tomorrow can be. I hate to play the destiny game...But I do believe in taking chances. I believe in myself and what I can be... I am a dreamer, unlike any other... I am a perpetuous dreamer. You cannot drain my hope away, nor can you define it as faulty. It is real, it is true, and it is what makes me the person I am. Trust in me, believe in me, put your faith along with mine and believe me nothing is impossible... Nothing is... You just have to believe, have hope, and take chances. It doesnt matter what the facts reveal, what matters most is what your heart feels. Let it be your guide, and prove to you that indeed, nothing is impossible..... .... ... .. .

You have to believe in yourself...You can't give up just because the facts lead you to a dead end. Don't let the facts decide for you, don't let them limit you. You have to overcome the obstacles and face your fears. In the end its all worth while. Life is full of ups and downs, but if you believe in yourself you will always come through with flying colors...Value friendship, love, and faith. Never undermine yourself. Believe in yourself!"




Samer
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Very well spoken. I share the same sentiments. I'm at the point in my life where I'm forced to realize how far the universe expands, and it's driving me insane. My stress as of late hasn't been handled very well, and it doesn't seem to stop coming. It comes and comes, but doesn't go, from some invisible, inscrutable, indefinite, indelible source; its inscriptions are stuck in my indehiscent mind (ok, ENOUGH). For some reason or another, things have been more emotionally attached this year; things bother me more and I'm always finding something wrong. I get upset about things that never even happened to begin with, and it all really fucks with my chi. It's a far cry from the apathetic, "whatever" attitude I had all of last year; it's funny how dramtically life can change over the course of just a year (even less so). People come into your life and affect you in such adverse ways you never thought would've ever happened prior to. And despite all that, you silently keep wishing for more.

Whenever I get bothered by something, I just say that there's always tomorrow, just look ahead. Like I just said, one year makes an incredible difference. But it's hard not to get caught up in the shit that's now, that's current. I'm the type of person who doesn't find it easy to just shrug shit off. I'm a perpetual dreamer like Samer is, and I hate it. Hope builds up for things that'll only get shot down in the end. I've learned the hard way that you have to be realistic about things. If you get caught up and get blinded in the grandeur of something and keep puffing it up in your own mind, your ass will get capped quicker than Kramer in the ghetto. But then on the flipside it's hard to look at things realistically, because reality oftentimes is worse. That's when regret and remorse set in, and you ask, "How did I fuck that up?" instead of moving ahead. It's the ultimate catch-22 (which ironically or not, was my football number).

I've tried to be apathetic at many times this year and it worked at the beginning, but now there's some underlying drive that's forcing me to care about things; about school, about people, about my future. It's probably because this little college bubble is closing in and starting to suffocate me, the reason that I'm running out of breath and that my lungs are closed and tight. Responsibility is just around the corner, waiting with an AK-47 and ready to light my ass up. I've got my weapons but I'm not ready; I've got no ammo, no squadmates, no GPS, no commands, no words, nothing. I've got awareness; I know responsibility is waiting, but I still just sit there and wait on the other side of the corner, waiting for something - I don't even know what that something is, and whatever it is, it probably wont come anyway.

I'm beginning to realize that the only reason I'm at school is because I've been told to. As kids, everyone everwhere is told that college is the big ticket, the key to eventual success and a comfortable life. "Stay in school" they tell you. My parents have worked (and still are) their asses off to send me to college, and the hopes and dreams of my family back in the Philippines are placed on me, the first American-born of my extended family and the first to go to a major university (mom's Wayne State and dad's Golden Gate University for grad schools don't apply). My grandmother in the Philippines even put a giant "K" on their store sign for me. Of everything, I hate the pressure. It's not pressure that they put on me; in fact none of my family members put any pressure on me whatsoever. It's the pressure I put on myself, and the disappointment that eventually ensues because instead of stepping up to it I still have the inevitable "bullshit and get by by doing the bare minimum" mindset.

I can already tell that things are different and/or changing just from the way I've been writing. I would never have written anything this sentimental or emotional as recent as the summer, because I keep my private life to myself and only to myself. Tracking my blogs/websites over the years, I can see myself mature. From being a stupid middle school kid to whatever level of intelligence I'm at now, I can see the changes in my life since when I was a kid. Back then stress wasn't really a problem. It's an ongoing process, yeah I know, that's what life is. But that doesn't mean it's carefree, and it especially doesn't mean that it's an enjoyable time.

I guess you always have to have hope; not by desire, but rather by human nature and necessity. For some of us, it's all we got left.