cowboy up

Man the fuck up

There's been a recent influx of advertisements aimed at the male populace. These ads tell us that by buying certain products, we can raise the value of our manhood. I'll take a look at three of these ads and tell you why they instead promote homosexuality.

The first of these ads is the new "Manthem" commercial Burger King has put out. This ad shows a bunch of dudes singing, dancing, and prancing around holding BK's new cowboy whopper or whatever it's called. The guys shout, "I...am...man!" and crowd together on a bridge yelling at the camera. Looks like a rainbow parade to me. Most of the men portrayed in the ad look like high school dropouts. The only smart thing in the entire commercial is that the background song is Helen Reddy's "I Am Woman" but it's hardly recognizeable, especially to the younger generations. Extra large burgers, 40 ounce steaks, and weiner eating contests are all considered manly. I find it funny that that guys have felt that stuffing lots of meat into their mouths and sucking it down their throats is a sign of manhood. Doesn't sound right to me.


Takeru Kobayashi is master of the footlong deepthroat

I certainly love burgers (the triple "King Kong" whopper and Big Montana come to mind) and whenever I'm at a steakhouse I order the biggest steak they have. But I don't think eating those things makes me more of a man (I guess the steaks do, but definitely not the burgers), I just see them as a challenge.

The next commercial starts off with a guy eating dinner on his couch. Out of nowhere, three guys come out and tell him he's not a man because of the food he's eating, and that to man up he has to use Dial Body Wash. This is probably the biggest lack of relevance and connection I've ever seen in a commercial, ever. The three guys tell the one dude that not only does the body wash make you smell good, but it looks like an oil can too, which is somehow more of a reason to use it.

I thought that in order to be a man you had to have grit. You had to be tough, had to know how to scrap, and had to be grungy. So why is it that smelling so fresh and so clean clean makes you manly? Sounds pretty metrosexual to me, and metrosexual=nonheterosexual. Smelling good makes you smell good, it doesn't elevate your manhood.

The third ad is the insanely retarted "Men of the Square Table" run by Miller Lite. Also known as the "Man Law" commercial, the commercial features a few prominent "man" figures in American society. The only real recognizeable people from the commercial are Burt Reynolds, Jerome Bettis (word up Detroit), Eddie Griffin, and the one mountain climber dude who cut his own arm off when it was stuck under a boulder (who looks like the guy from Napoleon Dynamite). I'm sure you know how they go, with the guys bitching to each other like a women's book club about what the man laws are.

Beer is good, but the Men of the Square Table make me want to ban Miller Lite from the world, permanently. And doesn't the square table and the men sitting at it look like they're sitting inside a gas chamber? Why can't Miller Lite go back to those catfight ads, I'd much rather see that than a bunch of fat guys arguing with each other about stupid shit.


Those were the good days

If you want to really cowboy up, buy a motorcycle, join the Marines, beat someone up bigger than you; do something real instead of drinking beer and eating meat because that covers about 90% of all guys. For the women who are sick of these man ads: don't even begin to complain because we have to put up with tampon and WNBA commercials 24/7.


American idol