ultra whiteified

I just noticed something whilst brushing my teeth. It is no longer a recent trend that America is obsessed with having a pearly white smile. It's now a common standard, as pretty much every single toothpaste has some sort of "Plus Whitening" ingredient included. The Zoom whitening technique has received tons of popularity with backing from movie stars and such. There are even gums dedicated to whitening your teeth.

If you want such white teeth, just get them bleached at the dentist. Sure, your teeth would fall out at a much earlier time than they would if you hadn't had gotten them bleached, but at least you wouldn't be wasting money hoping that pastes and gums will whiten your teeth.

bad habits

Today's wake up time: 3:16 PM. I'm getting an average of 12 hours of sleep per day, sometimes more. And I'm usually still tired when I wake up. The only reason I don't sleep in more is either because I have to piss really bad or because my back hurts from sleeping too much on my shitty cushion. But I'm going to relish in sleeping in way late until classes start again on Wednesday.

oh, i forgot to add...

Fuck the Miami Heat. I'll write more tomorrow. The NBA is fixed. There's random Chinese people talking outside.

"What the fuck?" the girl inquired in broken Cantolish.
"Uh, I just went to Pizza House," the guy unsoberly answered back in Englirin.

testy to the last drop

My patience is nearly drained. Luckily for EA Sports, I'm a pretty damn patient guy. NFL Head Coach was slated to come out today. Unfortunately, I have a paper due tomorrow (technically today) by 5 P.M. I'm essentially done; all I have to do is add a works cited page and voila. I decided to take a break from writing my paper by buying NFL Head Coach, which you should know by now I've already reserved. With my car on the extreme verge of losing gas, I drove the two miles to Gamestop to pick up my long-awaited prize. I walked in, said hi to the manager who probably knows me by now because I'm there so much, and went to look at the headsets. A pretty sweet feature of Head Coach is that you can actually call out the plays through the headset like a real sideline (or if you prefer to be, press box) coach. Since I'm unemployed for the summer and (again) damn near broke, I chose to take the used headset. Also because this particular used one was the only one with a connector port that is required for the headset to plug into the controller. None of the other headsets had them, not even the officially licensed headsets, only off brand ones that were $30. Fuck Microsoft and their monopolistic asses. Bill Gates may be becoming a charity-puss in the coming years, but it's at my and every other video game loving human being's goddamn expense. I only have $61.58 left in my bank account and $15 in cash (the rest is stored away for my crotch rocket) and with the game being $40, I think I would rather take the headset that's half price, albeit used.

In any case, I grabbed the used headset and went up to the register only to find out that Head Coach was delayed by a day. Sometimes Gamestop will only release games on the release date to people who pre-ordered it and I did, but it turns out that EA, being the monopolistic shits they are, pushed the game's release date by ONE FRICKING DAY. The game better be completely bug free when it comes out. So I drove back the two miles to my apartment with my meter now in the red (I'm going to have to spend some cash gassing up to go home this weekend). I finished my paper, and during my "not-working-on-paper-procrastinating-time" which takes up at least 75% of my writing time, I found out that EA released a demo of NFL Head Coach on the 15th. Eager to play it, even though it's only a demo, I began downloading it. I figured by the time I was done writing, the demo, being a typical whopping download, would be done.

Unfortunately, because I was also downloading Dangerdoom's free EP "Occult Hymn" and the promotional EP "Chocolate Swim" (both of which can be downloaded for free on AdultSwim.com), my computer, as Windows typically does, overloaded. It froze and the Head Coach demo d/l stuck at 20%. I had to restart my computer, and after waiting about 15 minutes for my computer to restart (after restarting it twice because I thought it wouldn't load at all and that my paper was gone), I couldn't resume the download once the connection was interrupted. So I started the download again. Long story less long, it took me a few tries because whatwith my apartment's shittyass randomcrashing superunreliablealwayswavering internet, the download kept getting interrupted. FINALLY the download finished, The only problem was that I couldn't OPEN THE FUCKING FILE. The WinRar format or whatever wasn't working, so I had to search for, download, and install WinZip first. Running into another spiky wall, it turned out that I had absentmindedly deleted the entire downloaded file because I was mad it hadn't worked (this was before I realized I could use WinZip). So I had to download the entire game again (which took about 1 1/2 hours the first time), and again, it took me a few tries just to get the d/l going. The d/l finally finished again, just as I was coming to the conclusion of my paper. I quickly bullshitted the concluding paragraphs (because I could honestly care less about a prerequisite poetry class) and fired up the install. It took me another few tries to get it installed because the files unzipped to a random place. I like to think I'm competent and above average in use of computers, but there are still some things about them that shout idiocy. I still prefer PCs though, if for any reason to spite those Applehumpers (you know you know at least one).

So I get the game installed, do a check-through of my paper one last time and try to make it a serious revision, even though I'm talking to people online while I do so. I x-out the fricking word processor that has been occupying me all day and am finally relieved to get some coaching action. I open the window, go to the directory, and double click the shortcut. Only to have one of those fleafucking error windows pop up. And as usual with those tripshitted windows I can't even tell what the hell the error is because it says "dll.275xort file is missing. maybe reinstalling the program will work." Except the problem is I can't reinstall the file because I decided to "Open file as..." instead of "Save file as..." and for some goddamn reason Mozilla doesn't archive the downloads you make.

I'm stuck here and now, writing this instead of playing the game, thinking up other random swear words I can come up with and what other possible frustrations this game could give me. This game better be damn worth the money and better be a fricking breakthrough. And I had better get a fucking copy of it tomorrow when I drive to Gamestop on an empty tank of gas and charge it onto my debit card which will have a balance of about 38 cents when I walk out.

Fuck you, EA Sports, and most especially, fuck you, Murphy('s Law).

gettin antsy

Three things I'm pretty restless about getting right now:

1. NFL Head Coach. It comes out on Tuesday and I already have it reserved, so all I need to do is pick it up from GameStop. Too bad it's five days away. Fuck.


Hopefully this won't be a waste of $40

2. Chinese Food. Zeke brought back Panda Express last night and a craving hit me like crazy. It's readily available, but the problem is that I don't want to spend cash. I can use entree plus at Magic Wok but the damn place closes at 8 and I'm sitting here typing at 5:45 with a trip to the gym inbetween. I better bench quick.


Post-smokedown Chinese is incredible.

3. My goddamn Ninja. I have my helmet already and have enough money to get the rest of my gear. I'm just waiting on the fricking class to start (July 14) so I can get my license.



-



=

Goddammit.

cowboy up

Man the fuck up

There's been a recent influx of advertisements aimed at the male populace. These ads tell us that by buying certain products, we can raise the value of our manhood. I'll take a look at three of these ads and tell you why they instead promote homosexuality.

The first of these ads is the new "Manthem" commercial Burger King has put out. This ad shows a bunch of dudes singing, dancing, and prancing around holding BK's new cowboy whopper or whatever it's called. The guys shout, "I...am...man!" and crowd together on a bridge yelling at the camera. Looks like a rainbow parade to me. Most of the men portrayed in the ad look like high school dropouts. The only smart thing in the entire commercial is that the background song is Helen Reddy's "I Am Woman" but it's hardly recognizeable, especially to the younger generations. Extra large burgers, 40 ounce steaks, and weiner eating contests are all considered manly. I find it funny that that guys have felt that stuffing lots of meat into their mouths and sucking it down their throats is a sign of manhood. Doesn't sound right to me.


Takeru Kobayashi is master of the footlong deepthroat

I certainly love burgers (the triple "King Kong" whopper and Big Montana come to mind) and whenever I'm at a steakhouse I order the biggest steak they have. But I don't think eating those things makes me more of a man (I guess the steaks do, but definitely not the burgers), I just see them as a challenge.

The next commercial starts off with a guy eating dinner on his couch. Out of nowhere, three guys come out and tell him he's not a man because of the food he's eating, and that to man up he has to use Dial Body Wash. This is probably the biggest lack of relevance and connection I've ever seen in a commercial, ever. The three guys tell the one dude that not only does the body wash make you smell good, but it looks like an oil can too, which is somehow more of a reason to use it.

I thought that in order to be a man you had to have grit. You had to be tough, had to know how to scrap, and had to be grungy. So why is it that smelling so fresh and so clean clean makes you manly? Sounds pretty metrosexual to me, and metrosexual=nonheterosexual. Smelling good makes you smell good, it doesn't elevate your manhood.

The third ad is the insanely retarted "Men of the Square Table" run by Miller Lite. Also known as the "Man Law" commercial, the commercial features a few prominent "man" figures in American society. The only real recognizeable people from the commercial are Burt Reynolds, Jerome Bettis (word up Detroit), Eddie Griffin, and the one mountain climber dude who cut his own arm off when it was stuck under a boulder (who looks like the guy from Napoleon Dynamite). I'm sure you know how they go, with the guys bitching to each other like a women's book club about what the man laws are.

Beer is good, but the Men of the Square Table make me want to ban Miller Lite from the world, permanently. And doesn't the square table and the men sitting at it look like they're sitting inside a gas chamber? Why can't Miller Lite go back to those catfight ads, I'd much rather see that than a bunch of fat guys arguing with each other about stupid shit.


Those were the good days

If you want to really cowboy up, buy a motorcycle, join the Marines, beat someone up bigger than you; do something real instead of drinking beer and eating meat because that covers about 90% of all guys. For the women who are sick of these man ads: don't even begin to complain because we have to put up with tampon and WNBA commercials 24/7.


American idol

running it with panties

I'm sorry, but I have to say this. Chris Brown sounds like a pussy. Sure, he's only 16, but that doesn't make up for the fact that he sounds like he's still a prepubescent middle schooler. Don't get me wrong, I love his tunes; "Gimme That" is solid and "Run It" was an instant classic. His music stands out from the new age bullshit crunk, and he's definitely is an exception to this new generation of shitty music. And considering his age, he's got a bright future ahead. But he still sings like a bitch.

If you happened to see the Punk'd where Chris Brown was set up by his mom and aunt, you probably lol'ed like I did when he threatened the actor with, "If you don't back up you're gonna get hurt". Chris Brown's mom and aunt took him to a restaraunt where his mom acted as if she got a stomachache. The waiter acted like a dick and pissed Chris Brown off to the point where he was standing up to the waiter doing that thing that wanna-be tough guys do where they stick their chin up in the air trying to look hard. If this happened in real life and I was the waiter, I would've laughed in his face and given him the kid's menu, complete with crayons and coloring page. Another actor, playing a police officer, talked to Chris Brown and asked about the trouble. If the situation were real, Chris Brown would've gotten mace to the face, a baton beating, and a trip to jail, because he talked incredible shit to the fake cop. Luckily for him it wasn't.


I know this guy will make more money in a month than I will in my lifetime, but doesn't this kid seem like he'd be on the Disney Channel? Look, he even has Simba on his sweater.

loose

Whoa Nelly

Nelly Furtado used to be the shit. I've been a fan since she first hit the scene in 2000 with "I'm Like A Bird". The song was an instant hit on 93.1 (when it didn't suck) and 95.5 and it cycled on the airwaves continuously. The next hit she had was "Turn Off The Light". I wound up buying that incredible CD, Whoa, Nelly!, and her second one which came in 2003, Folklore. I was such a big fan that I considered getting (free, of course) tickets to Last Call when she performed live on the show.

It's been a few years since she's been heard, and now she's resurfacing with a new CD. I was just listening to 95.5's online webcast and heard her new single that's been getting a lot of attention, "Promiscuous". It's been playing a lot on the radio and second to that, it was featured in one of those Verizon Wireless cell phone music download commercials. Nelly's tone is shifting from her inital one of funky-indie-pop to more into the RnB realm. Even though Nelly's first two CDs don't really seem to, she has a ton of hip-hop background prior to Whoa Nelly!, working with De La Soul and Digable Planets.

Based on her past hip-hop performances, I'd say her hip-hop stuff is a level better than her classic stuff, and that classic stuff is well worth paying for in itself. She had must-download tunes with Timbaland in "Turn Off The Light (Remix)", with Jurassic 5 in "Thin Line", and was also featured with Ms. Jade and Timbaland in "Ching Ching". Another new song on her CD is "No Hay Igual" featuring Pharrell, but I don't really like that one as much, mostly because I think Pharrell's beats are overrated, and also because the song isn't in English.



In any case, Nelly Furtado's new CD, Loose, comes out on June 20th (the same day as NFL Head Coach). You can be sure I'm gonna drop some cash on iTunes for it (I've only paid for three mp3 CDs in my life: Late Registration, Masters of Illusion, and a CD by Explosions in the Sky). She's also set to make a bunch of TV appearances on Leno, TRL, The Today Show, and The View, so if you haven't heard her before be sure to tune the fuck in.


Are all Portugese Canadian women this good looking?

Nelly Furtado's official site

back in action

Thus far, I can compare my summer to a Hutt: lackadaisical, full of yawns, and completely unoccupied with anything interesting. I haven't posted anything in months except for the Game Five guarantee I made and called right, except that the series didn't go as planned. In any case, I've decided to step outside of my lazy bubble and I'm going to start updating this more regularly. It's going to be different than previous years; before I only used to write about shit that I felt was important and that I had to make critical points about. Now, considering the fact that each day I come real close to dying of boredom, I'm going to include short quips on the side. Things that catch my attention or just random comments that give me something to do besides play video games and smoke pot.

More to come, stay tuned to the muthafuckin' greatest.