As Un-American As Terrorist Pie

Today is the most American day of the year. Not July 4th, not Christmas, not some other shitty holiday you celebrate. Today is Super Bowl Sunday, The Game, a time when people come together to enjoy one night of pure Americana. A time where we can celebrate a true American sport. We don't celebrate baseball on the stage we celebrate the Super Bowl because half the players in the MLB are from other countries. Football has long since surpassed baseball as America's true pasttime sport, and will continue that way as long as history allows or at least until the MLB takes a look at their player demographic. We don't follow baseball, basketball, or hockey as much, because those sports not only recruit foreign players, but also because those sports have multiple-game playoffs and finals. Not to mention that other sports, who claim (besides the MLB) to be "national", have Candian teams. How can a league be called the "National X League" when all the teams aren't even American? Football is so popular that Canada copied it and made their own league.

The Super Bowl is a one game deal, along with the rest of the NFL playoffs, because it's a type of sport you can only play once a week, and where you can truly put everything into one game.

Football is this world's greatest game, and those who say otherwise can get a swift kick from my foot to your ass. Soccer is NOT the greatest sport in the world, and if you're an American saying that you should be shot for treason. Pussies. We took the name football and put it to a better sport, and whenever I hear people correcting "football" by saying "American football", it makes me homicidal. Let David Beckham go a few rounds with Daunte Culpepper and I can tell you who'll need an ambulance when it's all done.



Beckham loves to suck it all right

Don't get me wrong; I will acknowledge that soccer requires a good deal of athleticism and endurance and skill, but if you think that soccer is a better sport than football, you're a bitchslap waiting to happen.

Football is a real man's sport, a mix of brutality and poetry in motion, the pinnacle of athleticism. Football players can always play other sports, but other athletes can't always play football. It requires dedication and hard work that most people don't acknowledge; you may think Terrell Owens hates practice, but when you take a look at his abs and the 20 pack that he has, you know hard training has to be involved.

Yet as American as football is, a handful of people have told me that they're not watching the Super Bowl, that they have no interest in watching it whatsoever. Not for the hype, not for the fact it's in Detroit and helping the economy, not for the commercials. These people are the lowest type of scum that exist in humanity. Not only that, but they're betraying their country, turning away from the greatest annual event this great land has to offer. Patriotism? More like contradiction.

If you're not watching the Super Bowl tonight, you're about as welcome here as Osama Bin Laden.


Even Osama's sorry ass will be watching the Super Bowl

It doesn't matter that you don't like sports, it doesn't matter that you hate football, it doesn't matter that you're gay, and it doesn't even matter that you live in another country. I can guarantee you that people are going to watch the Super Bowl in Palestine and Iran and North Korea. People who hate the sport watch the Super Bowl, geeks watch the Super Bowl, gay people love the Super Bowl (great social event), and even criminals on Death Row get to watch it. If you're American and you're willingly not going to watch the Super Bowl, you're placing yourself on the very bottom rung of society, and you're lucky to even be in it.

You don't even have to have it on all the time; I for one am going to study (studying is the lamest excuse in the book) whilst watching and will therefore have the game on in the background. You don't even have to watch the game in it's entirety. But if you wholeheartedly feel like you're not going to watch the Super Bowl and you stand by it, I will say this: you are a piece of shit. A fucking piece of shit.


Is this how you want to live your life?

In any case, for all of you who ARE American (or non-American and watching the game) and DO care about the game, here's my prediction:

Pittsburgh by 10.

Pittsburgh will have some big trick "gadget" plays and their defense will be too much for Seattle to stand. All Pitt has to do is stack the line and wait for Hasselbeck to throw some bad balls. Troy Polumalu may be hurt, but him at 75% is still better than most of the DBs in the league. He'll rock the Seattle O up, and get into Hasselbeck's psyche.

So sit back, kick back some beers if you're not studying, and tune in to ABC at 6, because it's the American thing to do.


"America, fuck yeah!"